Tossing And Turning And Tossing And Turning And Tossing.

I'm not always in

Control

Of what I

Feel

Sometimes, I know, I don't feel

What I'm supposed to

Or I feel something

I know I shouldn't

And other

Times

I think I feel

More

Than I actually do

But I've learned how to

Cheat the system

Someone called me 'complex' the other day, when I explained this to them, and I suppose it's true, to some extent. Because I'm aware of my tendency to feel false emotions, or at least, to exaggerate my emotions, I've learned to key in on certain impulses and behaviors of mine that are generally beyond my control. I've learned to watch for changes in those areas.

And when I notice those changes in myself, I know that I'm feeling something genuine.

And those things

Those

Uncontrollables

Those

Impulses and

Behaviors

Have been changing as of late

I've been

Withholding

In areas that normally I

Wouldn't

And I've been

Resisting some of my

Basest urges

My

Automatic responses

I've been

Controlling them

Because in some part of my emotional

Or mental

Core

I know that these things will not

Help me

That they would only

Prevent me from attaining what it is I truly

Want

However unlikely it may

Be that I will attain it

So I sit and I

Ponder

Worry

Contemplate

And know there is nothing I can truly

Do

For my house is my

Prison

And my visits are

Limited

And until I can formulate a

Plan

To break from this place

To

Rejoin

Society

And become my own person once again

I am at a

Stalemate

My only

Hope

And my only

Wish

Is that

When I do finally

Free myself

From this

Prison this

Hole this

Unyielding, all-encompassing

Maw

I will be able to

Continue down the

Path

That I am trying to

Set before me

Because

Even if

Things do not go as

Planned

And even if

Things are never the

Same

I know that there is

Something there

I know that there is an

Experience

To be had

And it is an

Experience

That I

Crave.

Waiting For Whenever.

Falllllllllllllling back

into that

Same

Old

Swing

No matter how much things change

Things are always the same

It's just another

Light at the end of that

Tunnel

Sloooooowly flickering

Out

I'm just

Wandering these

Streets

In search of

Nothing these days

There's no point to it

No real

Purpose

In anything I do

And yet I look at

You

And I see your

Eyes

And I wonder at what

Could have been

But what will most likely never be

I'm no fool but I'm on a

Fool's errand

I'm no loser but I'm

Fighting a

Losing battle

I'm no hero but I wish

I could be yours

Sometimes you have to

Turn your back

But I can't seem to

Do it

This time

And so I stand here

Watching and

Waiting and

Hoping for something

To bloom anew

Hoping for some sort of

Divine inspiration

On your part

Or on mine

But I know the truth.

There is no

God

The house that He built

Is nothing but a deck of

Cards

And every step I

Take

Might just be the one

To make it

Fall.