Beyond.

Rewind fast-forward relapse. Back and forth and round and round.

And of course, on and on and on and on.


I realized today it would have been two years soon. Funny how much things have changed. How much I've change. And how much you've stayed exactly the same. You still think you know everything, and that you can predict my every move.

You're so fucking wrong. But unfortunately you were much, much more than fashion.


Just leave me alone. Do not be blind, and DO gaze into the void. Let is consume you. Do whatever you have to do, so long as you leave me out of it.


You just make this time of year more difficult. More hardships. More memories I don't want and more things I don't want to think about.



But on to better things. Things you may think you'll understand, but will never have any real concept of, because you can't even think for yourself.


I had made a reminder for myself, that by this time, I should have made a change. I made it six months prior, to be fulfilled exactly six months later. The day came and passed not too long ago, and at first I thought I had failed myself.

But if I really look at the past six months, I realize that I have made a change. Nothing incredibly drastic; I'm not successful in any ordinary definition of the word, but things have changed. And for the most part, they've changed for the better.


You say those words, and I feel at ease. Amazing what a few words from the right person can do, isn't it?

As usual, I don't know where I'm going with this. But maybe that's why this is so therapeutic. It's just a stream-of-consciousness, and that suits me fine.

I want to be infinite, even for that moment. Stand in the back of the pick-up truck in the tunnel, and listen to that music that doesn't really matter. Oh Charlie, if only I could be you.

A better place? Not really. But this is a better time, that I'm sure of.

But it'll only get better, with more time.


Let's walk
Forever. And nevermind those who don't understand.
It's all beyond them. It's probably beyond
Us as well. And I think I like it that way.
Then again, I simply like
Us. The thought is calming. Just like your
Eyes. I'm sure they
Shine, but that isn't really relevant to the matter.
As before, what matters is what's
Behind those eyes, and what I know I'll feel when
I look into them.



So hold me close, we'll keep each other safe night after night, and everything will just be. Not perfect, because that's far too much to ask. We'll just be, and everything will be right.

Just hold my heart close to yours.

Prelude To Infinity.

Shining...it's funny that word should be here.

It's quite relevant. In my head, even.


It's funny how quickly things can change. I was in such a doldrum spot not too long ago. I was bottomed out, to say the least. Too much hit me too fast, and I didn't know what to do about it.

But then you came along and changed all that, without trying, or even realizing it.

Hell, I didn't even realize I was falling for you until it had already happened.


And now everything has so much...hope.
Such an odd for me, of all people to use. Hope. Not usually a cynic's best friend. Yet here I am, using hope -- dashed with a fair bit of love -- to see the brighter side of things.

I love you. I know I say that time and time again, and I know you don't mind hearing it, but I really can't stress that fact enough. I love you, but more than that I trust you, which is a scary thing as of late, trusting much of anyone.

But I know you can be trusted, and I know this is right. I know the moment you're in my arms everything will fall together just so; everything will be crystal clear without even a change in focus.

One doesn't always need to be focused in order to see things clearly. That's probably a good way of describing myself.

If I can just make it through these next ten months, and feel your skin, your lips, hear your voice and truly be with you...it's all going to fall into place.


The future can be a scary thing, whether you're sure of what's coming or not. But I know I don't need to be afraid of anything. You're my steady hand and my other half.

Well, one of my other halves. But we all know how that goes.

For one to look through this blog, you'd see quite the evolution in my mental state, along with my various ways of writing and expressing myself. But right now I feel like I might be at a pinnacle; at an infinite highpoint. While it may not ascend any further, the sensations it causes are never-ending.


And it's all thanks to you.
Keep my heart close, please. And keep that key safe in your pocket for just a bit longer. I promise it'll be worth the wait.

Let The Smoke Rise.

Explain to me the stars. All the finite and infinite things in the universe.

Sounds silly, doesn't it? Expecting such answers. And I don't really expect them, but that isn't the point.

The point is that I know when I look in your eyes for that first time, the answers won't even matter. In your eyes, everything will fall into place. I won't need to ask any questions, because the answers will be laid out in front of me.


I'm anxious, and impatient. It's to be expected, I suppose. But that doesn't make it any less painstaking. Patience is a virtue indeed. The longer I wait, the sweeter that moment will be.


It's all in the eyes, really. A voice is just a voice; skin, no matter how fair, is still simply flesh. Clothes change with fashion.

All of it's nothing without a perfect set of eyes. I don't even need to see them in person to know that's exactly what yours are.

It's nothing to do with color, or size, or any of those things poets love to go on and on and on about. Really, I guess it's not even the eyes so much as what's behind them. Some unnameable thing, some entity or force.

This is all gibberish. But what else is new?



That pristine
Moment.
With arms around one another
And lips against lips.
Movie-perfect isn't what I'm looking for. Though I'll gladly kiss you in a style to make Clark Gable proud.


Sometimes the sheer rapidness of my thoughts frightens me. It's such a constant flow, it's really hard to keep it all in perspective.

But no matter how stressed, how chaotic and jumbled my thoughts are, I know all I have to do is think of you. You calm my nerves like you couldn't possibly imagine.

Sometimes when I'm writing I just can't keep a steady hand -- some people say I get 'tremors', though I don't really know what that encompasses. But regardless, sometimes my hand will be so unsteady I simply cannot write a single letter.


Until I take a deep, long breath, and think of you. Then it call comes together.

It all falls into place.



I suppose that's the most important part. Even beyond eyes and lips and all those other things that are so obviously apparent. It's a sense of order, of completion; it's knowing that I can look to you and feel at home. It's a bit of a scary place to be at twenty years of age, but I don't think I'd have it any other way.

And there's not another person on this whole planet I'd rather feel it with.

Surreal.

I don't know where I am anymore. Inside, outside. Up, down. It's all blended together into some new position that I don't quite recognize.

I don't really like it.


You can tell me these things all you like, but the fact remains the same. You don't get it, not as much as I thought you did, and that just means there will forever be that bit of a rift between us. Though it grows with every passing day, whether you're aware of it or not.

I don't need direction, or advice. I just need someone here. But I guess the little things are too much to ask for.


It's so simple when you think about it, and so much harder when you try to act upon it.


Just give me a sign. Something, anything. Otherwise this is history repeating itself on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.

And I really don't want that. Not again. I thought I was done with all that, for a while, at least. So please don't throw it on me all over again.

And I don't need your pictures or your plans. I don't need to know your difficulties and who you're calling. Just leave. Me. Out. Of it. I don't want to be involved. Are you that fucking dense that you can't figure that out?


Walking isn't so honest anymore.

But please don't give up on me, all the same.