My First Kiss At The Public Execution.

Growing weary, weary weary. Not giving in, though. Very hard to resist it.

I know, trust me I know. Whether you speak or not, I am very, very aware.

I'm probably losing my grip; I'm not entirely sure that I care though. The speed at which I'm typing is incredibly soothing, for some reason. Ebb and flow, I guess. Good rhythm.

Waiting waiting waiting. My day will come. Hopefully. With someone. Not alone. I pray not alone.

Not so much lonely. Well, that's a lie. Of course lonely. But just in need of...affirmation. Reassurance. Something to prove I'm not everything I tend to believe I am. You aren't the person to do it, so please stop. It just...doesn't help.


Everybody needs a little devastation.
I've had so much more than I need. Celebrator, anyone?

Heartbeeps.

Sleep is coming less and less easily, as of late. My appetite has pretty much vanished, as well. Troubling.

Too much going on. Everyone needs to chill the hell out. Especially you. And you. Far, far too intense. Not that you'd ever understand.

Switching tracks in the middle of the race. Big mistake, on my part. I can stick with this. I know I can. I can't give in. Not now, I have to stand up and let you figure this out. I'm not giving in. I'm not giving up on you. You're better than that. I have faith in that, above all.

Tonight the headphones will deliver you the words that I can't say.
So true. Music is really my only solace. Even if the majority of my collection has been locked up in a goddamned metal box.

Sleeps alone tonight. Or this morning. If ever.

If ever, indeed.

Fantastic Wounds.

This is all going to end soon, I think.

On way or another, it's all going to end, because I just can't deal with it anymore.

To the few who read, don't take this as a reason to worry about me more. I'm not going to kill myself. And even if I was planning on it, it wouldn't be in my style at all to post a message like this. So don't worry about that.


Black and white black and white black and white black and white.
It's all grey, though. And tints of red. On and on.

If only people could process these things. Maybe someone would understand. But I'm my own person. Makes it pretty difficult to understand my thought process, I suppose.

On and on.

There will come a time. And my god, whomever that is, will reign down fire, and power. Doing the waltz with your murderer.

The party hasn't started until I sober up.


Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls.

When You Said You Loved Me, Did You Really Love Me?

I think I lied. I do have more to say, there just aren't words for any of it.

Dancing around issues today. Tried to bring it up, but it was dually ignored, and noted, on my part.

I wish I had words to properly explain this feeling. Biologically, it's in my 'gut', but in all honesty, it's most definitely my heart. It feels strained, and worn down. I feel like it's ready to collapse at any minute. I've felt like this for at least the past two or three days. It isn't a pleasant feeling, in the slighest. But I can't get rid of it. Not until things have been properly set into place.

Sometimes, even I don't know what to say. That's probably what would occur in that situation, even if it is so brightly clear in my head. Even if it did happen (though I know it won't, because things just don't work like that), and even if I did get the right words out, it probably wouldn't have any effect.

God this weight is heavy on my heart. Every day it seems to sink a little deeper. Or maybe I'm telling myself that, to give myself a reason, an exscuse. But I won't let it come to that. I'm going to ride this out, goddammit. Even if it means the death of me.

Especially if it means the death of me.


Or did it just slip out, like drool on my pillow?

In The Nervous Light Of Sunday.

Spinning around in circles.

Everything is so absurd lately.

I don't really have much more to say.

Such Great Heights.

Please don't continue to comment on these entries just so you can get a word in on everything I say. If you want to talk, you have my phone number, and you know where I live. I am not against talking, but if we do, we're doing it in a much more personal manner.

Again, this shitstorm keeps on rotating through my life. I'm getting really, really sick of it. At least there's a few shining rays left. Though, with my luck, they'll be gone shortly as well.

On and on and on and on and on.

Inching closer and closer to the end of my rope. But I've pretty much come to accept it.

Christ I'm dramatic. Oh well, it suits me just fine at this point and time in my life. Therefore, it shall continue.

A bracelet of gold and scarlet wrapped around your wrist/Everything is wrong, so we sang sentimental songs/'How seldom we belong, but how elegant our kiss.'

Quoting those lyrics over and over makes me feel better, in a way but it also upsets me. Confusing, indeed.

I found the key, but I threw it away. I'll pick that lock on my own.

How Seldom We Belong, But How Elegant Our Kiss.

Yet again. Over and over. This is really getting to be a routine I hate. Everytime I get back on course, or at least start to, knocked right off again.

Fuck this is unnerving.

I really don't know what to do or where to turn anymore. Guidance is useless, though I do appreciate it from those whom I'm recieving it from.

Childish, eh? You truly have no idea what you're doing.


Truly, truly, this is the end.

The Entire World Is Counting On Me, And They Don't Even Know It.

Two. Four. Five.

Used to look forward to it. Now I don't even really remember why. Hope, I guess.

I miss things that aren't around anymore. But not just that. Not just hope, either. I miss something that I can't put a name or a face to, but I simply don't have anymore.

She simply will not die. She will not die. She won't die.

She/he/it? Whatever.

Plucking strands. Metaphors are so fucking old. I'm sick of them. But being cryptic fits me better than beind straight-forward.

Stop worrying, there's nothing left to worry about. And I don't mean that in a comforting way.

Probably disillusioned. Bitter, obviously. Can't bother to be contemplative, all it does is enrage me. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach, boiling up and spreading out, the heat is so intense and ...fucking scary. I've seriously never felt this way.

I don't have the answers anymore. Sorry.

I agree. Laid to waste, entirely. But not Memphis.

Definitely not Memphis.

Pretty Soon, I Don't Know What, But Something Is Going To Happen.

Severed ties. This really, really sucks. But there isn't much I can do. Regardless of what you may think, this is my only choice. I can't keep giving and giving and get nothing but hurt in return. All I can hope is that you realize what you're doing before it's too late. If you do, I can almost promise you that I'll still be here.

Dive in. Look around for awhile. Won't find anything worthwhile (worth wile?). Not anywhere that I'm looking, at least. It's pretty much hopeless.

Losing places to turn to. My options are getting thinner and thinner. I'm really not sure what to do anymore. Hopefully my call tomorrow will help me sort all of this out.

My God bring me power, my God bring me fire.

Think I'll reverse this: Sometimes it's our greatest ideas that make for our worst mistakes.

Revelations, revealing. God I hope this works out how I see it in my head.

On a final note: no matter how much I may be angry, no matter how much I hate you right now, I know it won't last, and I pray I can tread our familiar paths once more.

A Letter To You Or Someone Like You.

This isn't my usual way of doing this. Normally I'd write an email, or a letter. But I already wrote a letter, that pretty much backfired in my face. And emails are too impersonal. And in person conversations don't seem to work well either. So let's try this. I don't have anything to hide, so anyone else who reads this can; I don't care anymore.

The thing that keeps ringing in my ears is you saying that you can't be the person I 'want' you to be. I wish you would understand that I don't want you to be ANYONE, other than yourself; I love you for who you are, not for anything else. I am not blind to your flaws, to your misconceptions, or to your weaknesses. But I can look beyond all of those things and see a real person behind them, and love that person, regardless of the things blocking that person from really shining through.

I wish you would have more confidence in yourself, and I wish you could just...trust. Above all, that's what this is about now. As much as I may want to be with you, as much as I may love you in ways that you don't love me, I'm willing to put all of that aside, to forget about it the best I can, and to be the friend you used to trust. I'd rather have you as that friend than as nothing at all. You don't need to act any differently, or to say anything differently. You don't need to be afraid of my judgement or be scared to say anything or anything like that. It's just me. You know the one. Hairy, listens to shitty music.

Please, please, just try to trust me again. I could feel the severed tie last night, and it stung more than I ever want anything to sting again.

Let's just start this from the top, shall we? Hi, my name's Bill, what's yours?

Listen, The Mighty Ear Is Here.

Probably right. Too much. But what would I be if I didn't? I've got to do something for all these things.

Guilt. Ridiculous. But rightfully mine. I really don't know what to do anymore. Concentrate...

Gone now, just like I said. Probably for good. Not the first, hopefully the last. No one ever knows. This isn't right. No no no no no this isn't right. Back in circles, around and around. Oh well, back to that old-new routine. Feet on the ground.

No one ever knows.

Tracing back over lines already created. This is a mistake. But so was that. And that. I give up.

I Just Wanna Believe.

Let's ignore the shitty poetry, shall we?

This has all been chaos and dischord, so I suppose, in the long run, it's good for me. Find discord in life, dissonance in existence, and throw it into my music? Maybe, hopefully. Only time will tell, I suppose. I have Jandek to thank for finding a new way to express myself through writing, so at least that's one positive.

Move on, I guess. Bigger, hopefully better things. Focus more. Ease my way into a scene I have no idea how to even begin traversing. Camoflauge is a definite weakness...

Yes, no. So wrong.

Keep finding new ways to do the same thing all over again. Sorry, Brand New, but I'm trying to concentrate on anything but falling apart, at this point. Already been there in the past month, don't really desire to go back again.

Going places I don't want to go with people I'm not entirely comfortable with anymore. Such is life. C'est la vie, or some shit like that, right?

Jump off that still-moving train, in search of my next fix.

How Clear Things Should Seem Now.

And I give up now
This is the end
The end of this era
The end

Impartiality Vs. Self-Realization.

I ignore my own words
Act as if it's all under
Control
But it clearly isn't
Turn away go into that
Void
That dark place
I keep telling myself that I'm doing it
But I know I'm not
I know I can't
Losing some battle
I probably shouldn't even be in
Don't worry
Patience is a
Virtue
I tell myself
Day in and
Day out
Yet here I sit in this
Uneasy place
Lying to myself
Lying to you
For once, maybe you can't see
Right through

Selective Hearing Is A Sin You Know.

I can't find the humor in this
Moment this
Solitary point in time
Shooting off like some
Rocket
Some incredibly fast
Thing
Over analyze
Yet again
Every moment and every little
Clue
It's pointless to ponder
And yet I
Continue
Recklessly searching, hoping
For something more than I can possibly hope for
You say 'Of course'
And I nod my
Head
But I know you don't grasp that
Meaning that special
Thing
Deep down maybe you do
But you just won't accept
Fate
It's ultimatum far too hard to
Bear
Ponder on that reminiscience
Remember it how you think it should be
And look the other way

Pondering a Reminiscence.

This is almost unreal
This sacred, blessed
Thing
Meadows covered in ocean water
Thunderclaps and lightning
Strikes
I have to believe this
But I won't
Acceptance
That thing in my room
It holds the answer to all my problems
Shining and glistening
I dare not look at it
It all makes too much sense
Too much
Wipe away these
Misconcieved
Notions
Those are all lies, right there
All of them
I know the real truth
It's as plain as day
I'll just bide my
Time
All of this can be
Solved
With just a little
Bit of
Patience

That Little Bit Of Sadness.

I met you somewhere
Maybe the movies
Maybe at a park
Maybe at the corner store
Your face so
Pristine
Angelic
That moment of
Perfect eye
Contact
I can't seem to remember why we both looked away
I wish now that I wouldn't have
Every single time I do it again
Still hoping
Longing for some thing
Some intangible sensation that I can almost grasp
Every time our eyes lock for that split
Second
Maybe next time I'll hold it
Just a bit
Longer
But I can't seem too eager
Please, please
Don't notice how much I long to gaze at you
But at the same time
I know
You do

56th and Forever.

Particularly
This is the part where I starve
Looking out onto the horizon
Onto that glorious
Thing
It shines straight through me and pierces
This still doesn't make sense
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine
Right through
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiine
Until the end
Perpetuate, Alleviate
A dramatic
Show that I can't bear to turn away from
My bottle is empty
But that's okay

This Is Just A Name.

This is nearing obsession
This
This
This
Isn't an obsession
Perfectly normal
Perfect
Leeeeeeeeee
Normal
It isn't an obsession
Isn't an obsession
All I know is porcelain beauty
And a locked box in my closet

Time and Space.

I could stare at your reflection for hours
Seamless, perfect, without your imagined flaws
There is no end here
I saw a sunset on the mountain
And the rocks were lit aflame with a heat so intense
Oh how it burned
How it burned
Burned
Where did it go?
Why can't I find that little cupboard
That little
Space
It's inside you now