There Is No You, There Is Only Me.

From the looks of things, I'm not even gonna have to become a recluse.

Seems like everyone's already turning their backs on me.

One two three.

Bubbles in my nose. If only you knew.

Though you do, and it doesn't make a difference.

But that just makes me respect you more.

I feel like everyone is showing their true colors.

Or maybe

I'm just seeing

For the first

Time

I don't know what this sensation is anymore. Initially I at least had a concept of where it came from. But that's passed now; this is something different.

And this.

This.

I don't know what this is. But it frightens me just a bit.

'Lost my way, I think

Dear child

Could you

Would you

Please kindly lead me back

To the road?'

But then my vision

Clears

And I realise

There is no child there

There is no one

Anywhere

At all.

I Am Wearing My Old Uniform.

I don't know where I stand anymore.

The ice is getting

Thinner

And all the lines have

Blurred

I'm looking at everything from a different perspective and nothing makes any sense. Spinning and spiraling and sinking.

Or maybe rising. Who knows.

is it cold, or is just me?

It's probably just me.

Bullshit Boring Drone Band.

Good to know I'm so useful to everyone.

Glad I'm planning on reclusing. Maybe I can focus myself a bit more.

Though the hate will still flow like wine, all around me.

Nothing makes sense anymore. It hurts.

And When We Fall, We Will Fall Together.

Be. Obscene. Be be obscene.

Or just be.

Beat. Be. Be at.

Bate. B ate.

Sleep would be wonderful. Just a nice four hour respite, even.

My brain is obviously overloaded and I'm obviously not thinking straight any longer. The little bit of sleep I have gotten has been fitful at best. Waking up every fifteen minutes does not make for decent rest.

All I can hope for now is for all this feedback and static and sine and square and triangle and saw waves to penetrate my skull.

Caress my

Aching thoughts

Until the

Processes

Reboot

And I can see

Clearly

Again

I wish I knew what you were talking about, what it is you see differently about me that I don't see. Even if I didn't agree with it. Just to see.

see and seethe and seem and seams and sear and seat and seed

I don't see much, these days. Everything is dull and gray.

This isn't your fault. I know you empathise, you take blame and fault, but it isn't. Please realize that. None of this is intended to make you feel that way. All of this would have happened regardless, I assure you.

Maybe dull and gray isn't the correct description. Everything's...

Out of focus.

Literally, figuratively.

The edges are all fuzzy and I'm not really sure what I'm seeing anymore.

Maybe it's the sun

Maybe it's oblivion

Maybe they're one in the same

And it's always been that way.

And It Feels Like I've Already Been There, Sounds Like I'm Preaching The Choir.

Static and static and static and stagnant.

Once I wanted stagnancy.

But now.

Now I crave change and chaos and decay and the end of all this.

Hopefully, your change

Will allow my change.

Though it's never about me, with you.

Me, without you.

These narrow

Narrow stairs

And these narrow

Narrow stares

Down this looooooooooooooooong

Hallway

Keep me up at night

My breathing is

Heavy

My hearing is

Suffering

My mind is

Cloudy

And these thoughts are

Festering

Tonight

And tomorrow

And yesterday

Someday I'll be whole again. I hope.

Though half of a whole would be nicer.

O Captain, My Captain.

Still can't fall asleep.

Spinning

and

Turning

and

Failing.

Good god motherfucker now I see you're

Flailing

Away.

The ice is getting thinner

Under me

But not under you.

We're not the same

Dear

As we used to

Be

There really is little for me to say.

Even though my head is swimming.

There was a time

I was full of

Hope and

Optimism

But these days

Oh, these days

There's nothing left for me

To hold on to

So now I just

Bide my

Time

Wandering and

Searching

For something

Clean and

Pure

But I feel as though

It will never be found

In all my days and weeks

And months

And

Years

The chasm has reared it's

Ugly head once again

As I peer down

Inside it

I come to the

Stark

Realization

That this chasm

This dark

Black thing

Is all I've ever known

And all I'll ever

See

It's burning up in here

Even though both sides of the bed are cold.

Maybe it's me that's burning up.

Re-entering the atmosphere.

My shields were down, after all.

Burning up

Into

A

Charred husk

Of what I once was.

This isn't about you.

This is about me, and all the mistakes I've made.

All the promises I've broken.

And all the faults I hold so dear.

It's about self-worth

Self-absorption

self-image.

Self. Myself. Yourself. Ourselves.

Selves and shelves.

I've already shelved myself.

Your. Love. Is. Misery.

I

Can't

Fall

Asleep.

I

Won't

Be

Your

Prisoner.

I

Never

Wanted

To Dance.

Love, I can't hide.

Three Year Suicide.

On and on and on and on and on and on and ON and ON and ON and ON and ON and ON and ON and ON.

Gotta Break What I Make And Turn It Into Nothing For You.

Don't hold my hand.

I won't take you anywhere.

Not anywhere worthwhile, at least.

Trimming away at bits of the universe.

You're still resonating inside me. It's a little unnerving.

I can't

Think straight

Anymore

My head is

Clouded

With visions

Of you

And of everything wrong

With me

I've been shivering a lot, lately. But not due to cold. I wish I knew why.

I don't feel at peace. I feel...

Like there's some sort of weight on my shoulders, and I can't seem to shrug it off.

My thoughts feel like a tape loop. Round and round. On and on and on and on and on.

I'm a miserable person. I wish I could bring joy to someone.

Hah, let's be honest. I wish I could bring joy to you.

I hope these things don't alienate you. Though it wouldn't surprise me.

That's what I expect. I'm incapable of singing anyone to sleep.

There's that shiver again. I feel like I know what the trigger is, but if I actively think about that particular thing, the sensation doesn't occur.

So strange.

And all you want from me is

probably something I want to give, but can't.

Little android man

Born without a soul

Without that force of reason

The scissors took control

Little android man

Born without a heart

If he's in your vicinity

He'll

CUT

YOU

APART.

And that's all I ever do. Cut cut cutcutcutcutcut. Never ever ever trust a little android man. No matter how much I want you to, no matter how much I wish I could be trusted, I can't be. I'm a frail thing, an abusive thing. Some sort of entity that doesn't deserve anything it wants.All I ever seem to do is cause pain, even with the best intentions. Self absorbed and selfish and loathsome.

At least I know who I am. Not satisfied with that person in the slightest. But I can't seem to change it. I've tried and tried and I'm still trying and trying but I guess I'm just too incompetent.

I hope you like your flowers, though. You deserve them. And so much more.

Clarity is an evil thing.

Feedbacker.

This is running rampant.

First comes heavy breathing. Though in my case I suppose it would be heavy oscillations, instead.

What will happen next?

Nothing. Always nothing.

There's no end in sight to this. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. My wires are all crossed and mixed up. Can't even decompress.

I wish I knew what this Crippling Song was, how it worked.

I think she might have sang it without me being aware.

I'm not obsessed. Perplexed?

Yes.

Infatuated?

Most definitely.

I'm almost at a loss for words. This is unfamiliar.

Some sort of

Shudder

Through my body

This thing this

Sensation

What is it?

How did it get there?

At a loss. Like a place on a map.

You are here.

You

Are

Here.

You

Are.

You.

Eyes are playing tricks on me. Hopefully my mind isn't doing the same.

I can control my thoughts. I can't control my feelings. Just like you can't sell them.

We were meant to...

To what?

You can't buy love, you can't sell feelings

We were meant

to eat each other.

But I know that isn't correct.

What can I compare you to? You're not a window, nor a pair of bright red boots, even with the wings.

You're like feedback. Of course it falls to this.

Feedback. You ring and ring and resonate in my head, in my heart. And I don't understand it. But goddamn it feels right.

If you're reading this, and you think it might be about you

You're probably right.

I Love The Poison In My Veins.

I think I've reached my lowest common denominator.

I'm not sure that's a bad thing. At least I'm familiar with the territory of being hopeless.

Static Endless.

Decay, entropy, all things in their basest and purest forms.

Only chaos makes sense.